I think tonight is her last night on this earth.....

I have spent every possible waking moment beside my husband's grandmother's bedside while she's been in the hospital near us in Spokane, Wa. It's been a rough week for me. Hubby's said his goodbye but I just can't stop coming to be with her. I know I don't want to be alone when it is my turn go to so I don't want her to be alone.



My sister in law, Angela, came out here on Thursday evening to be with us (with Grandma) and had to return home yesterday, my other sister in law, Julia, and her husband and son came out on Friday as well. Well, her hubby and son had to go home now, too. My in-law's are here tonight again mainly because we just sense that tonight is Grandma's last night here on earth.



Grandma is getting worse. Just from thursday evening to friday morning there was serious decrease in how grandma looked and sounded and breathed. Well, today was the worst yet. She hasn't been given iv fluids (accept for the tiny bit fed with her pain medicine) and is now not drinking sips of water. We are wetting her lips with the mouth swabs but she won't sip anymore. She hasn't been given any nutrition in over a week (she's not able to swallow) and she's not concious for more than a few seconds at a time now.

What we now know is.... Grandma has 2 masses in her pelvis. There is 2 growth's, one growing inside both of her pelvic bones. They ARE cancer. There is really no question about it. Grandpa did request a biopsy and when they did that, they did a catscan and found masses in her lungs and know that the masses in her lungs are related to the masses in her pelvic region. So, she has lung cancer and bone cancer now. Both are very painful! She was on a low dose of morphine and that gave her swollen lips and a really dry mouth and a horrid headache and now she's on dilaudid. It is way stronger than morphine! It's basically worse than heroine but when someone is at the end of their life and terminal with such a horrible cancer it is what can make them comfortable.

I've stepped up to the plate and helped speak up to keep Gram out of pain. I'm requesting a lot for her. Mouth swabs to keep her mouth as moist as possible, pain meds so she doesn't have to push the buttons, different meds due to the headaches, cough patch due to the horrible persistant cough from the lung cancer... the list goes on. I even offered to bring Grandma home with me (of course Grandpa, too) to care for her until she passes away but we have (as a family) decided that unless she passes away tomorrow (which I think will be the case) we will have her go to the Hospice House in Spokane, Wa and Grandpa will be here with us. I will bring him up to see her on a daily basis for as long as he wants until her time is up.
I would LOVE to be the one to care for Grandpa for the rest of his time on this earth, too.... but that is a choice only Grandpa can make. I have and will again offer it up to him. I think our children being around him would do his soul good and keep his mind occupied.... but again that is only a decision that he can make.

My wonderful sister has helped me prepare for this day for the last 6 glorious years. Without her, this strength I'm somehow finding wouldn't be possible. Knowing about her last 15 or so years of Cancer, the drugs she's been on, the surgeries she's had, the heart to heart talks, the what if's and what do we do when talks...... without all of that, no matter how hard it was and no matter how many tears we shed doing so... this wouldn't be possible.
My father in law has said that he is so amazed at how I've stepped up to the plate to take care of Grandma and Grandpa right now. He didn't expect this from me. I'm not their 'blood' relative.... I'm related by marriage. I've explained that no matter if I'm blood or not, I took a vow 14 years ago and they are my family... Grandparents, parents, sisters and all! I'd care for them (Grandma, Grandpa, Mom, Dad, Sisters) if they ever needed it! That's just a part of me. That's how I was raised and I'd do it because they are MY FAMILY! I will be there (if at all possible) for Grandma, holding her had as she is called to the Lord just as I would be there for them, Lyssa or ANYONE that I love! I don't want to die alone!!!!! I don't want anyone to die alone and scared.... least of all someone I love.

Yes I've had my moments that I've broken down. Yes I've had to go into the private family room and close the blinds and get on my hands and knees and BEG GOD to take her home so she doesn't suffer anymore! Yes I've asked God to let my Angel babies come down and carry her to Heaven so they can be rocked by their Great Grandmother! No I'm not 100% a rock for everyone, I'm not a cold person, I'm a granddaughter who is mourning the loss of a very wonderful grandmother but I'm trying so hard to hold it together. I'm trying to stop and think before it's too late.

Today I burned her a cd of spa music and left my cd player up there and have it on repeat for her. I said to her when I first came in today "Hi Grandma, It's Jennifer. Today I have a big treat for you. I brought you some special soft music for you and I brought you my Bible so I could read to you, would you like that?" She smiled really big and said Oh Yes!
I will hold that close to my heart forever! I read her 7 or 8 chapters of the bible today and have the soft music playing 24/7 for her. I've washed her face, put chapstick on her lips, water on her lips, lotion on her hands and arms, helped move her in her bed, keep her comfy.... each day that she's been there.

Ok I'm babbling now. I'm beat! I have to get up EARLY tomorrow. I just know tomorrow is going to be a long day...... long......